I've sensed that JC has wanted to broach this subject for a while. In the midst of our talking about my feelings of overwhelm, he brings up Al Anon. Al Anon is a group that helps members cope with the effects of alcoholism in their lives. My therapist suggested I try some meetings after she learned the severity of my mom’s drinking when I grew up.
JC: What do you think of the Al Anon meetings?
Sally: It’s hard. I feel a lot of resistance. From myself. For myself.
In my mind’s eye, I see myself sitting in my usual chair at the Al Anon meeting. I’m inspired by everyone that I see, every story I hear. These are some very strong people. But I’m angry. A friend told me recently that anger is the “dignity energy.” I wasn’t at the point of sharing my indignity.
I am mostly trying to detangle the constellation of feelings I suppressed growing up with an alcoholic mother. She could be a mean, cold drunk. My mom was the sun that we each did our best to orbit around, especially between the hours of 6 PM till 10 AM. By the time we moved to the Chicago suburbs, her hours expanded. And so did my sunburn - from her moods and actions.
Jesus pulled me out of my mental spiral. Mental back-sliding is no more productive during meditation than outside of it.
JC: I see you there.
In front of me, Jesus started an old-fashioned reel-to-reel movie: on screen, I was sitting inside the Al Anon meeting room when the film reel sputtered to a halt. Then, as if being cranked back up, resumed with pops and crackles, slowly make its way back to full speed. I was still there, in the same chair. But, energetically, there was something in front of me, above my lap. I tried to figure out what I was looking at. It looked like I was wearing one of those cloth slings that new mothers suspend from their neck to wrap and hold their infants. Instead of a backpack, I had an energetic front pack.
My front pack held a weight. It looked like a rock that was somewhat in the shape of a small baby. I thought it might be protecting, but came to realize it was actually blocking me. Blocking my heart. Jesus quickly flashed on the different “rocks” I carried on any given day. Most days it was a black rock, some days it was something that squirmed and appeared alive. A few days it even swelled with the glow of red heat.
The weight drew my shoulders in. I thought about the times I am hardly breathing, even when I’m sleeping. I can now see how this weight, this burden, makes my heart, lungs and body work harder. As a reflex, I began to wiggle my shoulders, to try to shrug it off. It was then that I realized it was solid coal!
Jesus watched me watch the screen. He could understand what I was processing, of course. I’m so glad that he showed me this. And didn’t say a word.
I sensed that this was part of a bigger lesson and Jesus would say more. The chime sounded on the Oprah-Deepak meditation, and I was pulled out of that world.
I went into this meditation as my warrior self. Now that I am out, I understand that I need to become an alchemist: this coal that I wear will become a diamond through the slow process of feeling feelings and letting them go.
What I Learned:
I've been unknowingly carrying an energetic burden that's weighed on my body, emotions and spirit.
The image of carrying a baby-shaped rock represents the burden related to an abortion I had in my youth, as well as other events and feelings I may have "bypassed" in my life.
Reflection Question:
What “baggage” do you carry on your journey?